Have You Ever Tried Sleeping With A Married Man? - A Salacious Guide To Being The Other Woman...

 Have You Ever Tried Sleeping With A Married Man? - A Salacious Guide To Being The Other Woman...

I was really interested to see how the triangle between Alicia Keys, Swizz Beatz & Mashonda would play out because I know first hand the ups and downs of having an affair with a man who is taken. Shit never ends well. TRUST. Now I have NEVER (to my knowledge...LOL!) had an affair with someone who is MARRIED, but I wrote this using that title because it doesn't differ THAT much from a single woman who is having an affair with a man who is in an "exclusive" relationship. So I was inspired to write a (humorous) "guide" I decided to call "Have You Ever Tried Sleepin' With A Married Man?" You'll also notice that every section title and dispersed throughout the "guide" are song titles of Alicia Keys' as well! HAHA!

Introduction aka EMPIRE STATE OF MIND (BROKEN DOWN)
I will walk you through how the shit works.  I'll tell you what to look for in the beginning, how to cope while the shit is going on and how to let go and get the fuck out of the relationship. I will give examples of what I went through and the good AND the bad that goes with it. I in no way claim to be an expert on this topic and realize that every situation is different. This is my assessment of how things work. It is NOT to be taken as a guide to how to ACTUALLY have an affair of any kind...especially with a married man! Most of it was written a LONG time ago to help me move on and as a comic release of everything I endured during my relationship with a man who had another woman in his life. I hope you all enjoy it and remember...even though it's a VERY serious topic, IT'S ALL IN FUN!

Part 1 - The Seduction aka FEELIN' U, FEELIN' ME!

You know a married man is coming on to you if he starts talking to you more. If he smiles at you and takes more interest in you than he did in the past. If he starts touching your arm or back as he talks as if to make a deeper physical connection with you all of a sudden.

In my case, the real indicator was when he offered to give me a shoulder massage in my dorm room and proceeded to also massage my back, my legs and my ass. Then he pressed himself against me to let me feel that he was enjoying it more than I expected him to. To my surprise, as uncomfortable as I was with what he was doing because I knew he was taken, I also was turned on to have this man's hands touching me intimately.

Just don't jump to conclusions though, he might just be doing it to get a reaction from you. Don't show any response at first, don't let him know what he was doing got to you. Think it through and then ask him directly before you decide what you want to do.

This might be the hardest decision you will ever make and acting on impulse could be your downfall. Ask yourself if you can handle the sneaking around and the guilt you MAY feel. (Guilt and affairs are not mutually exclusive. LOL!) The allure to him will be great. He will be good looking, charismatic, self-sufficient, funny, WELL-ENDOWED and his sexual prowess and stamina will have you seeing stars for hours on end. He will seem to be the perfect 'Samsonite Man'...his only weakness being the fact that someone has already laid claim to him in some way (be it by marriage or committed relationship). But that fact seems to matter to you less and less as you get to know him (and he charms you into a stupor) and the next thing you know you've 'fallin'. So what's a girl to do?

In my case, I held him off for 2 weeks, allowing him to come to my door begging to be with me. I let him kiss me, which sent an electrical charge through my entire body that I had never felt before and he groped me almost everyday before I gave in to temptation. I decided I could handle a short term occasional fling with him. I figured I could handle the guilt of seeing his girlfriend and talking to her. I stupidly thought that because of the situation there was no chance of getting emotionally involved.

Boy, was I wrong.

Part 2 - And So It Starts... aka UN-THINKABLE (I'M READY)!

When starting an affair with a married man, make sure the ground rules are stated outright and followed or problems may occur. This is especially important if the guy lives right next door or in close proximity.

In my case, what started out as short term, occasionally, turned into ongoing and frequent. For 3 months we had sex on the average of 2-3 times a week. And I couldn't get enough of him.

Don't ever underestimate your heart and the possibility of feelings developing for the guy.

In my case, after 3 months I was starting to look forward to seeing him as often as possible. It became about more than just sex between the both of us. I would become disappointed when he didn't have time for me, or when his girlfriend was off work and he couldn't come by. I realized I was getting hooked on him and decided to end the relationship before it got out of hand, or I ended up getting hurt.

Don't think ending a relationship with a guy who is having the best of both worlds is going to be an easy thing to do. He's not gonna let it be easy for you sweetie! Not only is it hard on you but the guy will probably not accept your decision. Be ready for what I call the "boomerang" effect.

Part 3 - The "Boomerang" Effect aka LOVE IS BLIND!

You finally realize the relationship has to end and you tell him it's over. Easy, right? Don't bet on it. He will beg, cry, tell you everything he thinks you want to hear just to hold on to you. He will keep coming back as often as it takes to break down your defenses and get what he wants from you. He may even tell you the worst and most notorious lie of them all, "I'm gonna leave her to be with you baby...you KNOW I am...I just need a bit more time to get things in order." Ugh. What a bastard!

In my case, I tried breaking it off with him over and over again. He'd stay away anywhere from a couple of days to several weeks, then be back at my door begging me to give him another chance. This went on for what seemed like forever. Each time I'd resolve to keep it ended only to give into him once again.

Don't believe a word he says. The guy will tell you anything to get his way. He will lie straight to your face and make promises he won't keep.

In my case, the guy told me "I was the best he ever had," (Okay, now THAT wasn't a LIE! Hmph!) that "I was his," that "he cared for me," and that "if his girl ever found out, he would tell her the truth and leave her right then and there." My all time favorite was the ever popular "I love you." I'm still not completely sure he DIDN'T mean that one...I believe he actually did/does love me, but because of the situation he can't express it how we both would like him to. How can something 'so simple' be so difficult? :/

And PUHLEAZE don't even convince yourself that the wife won't find out. She will, and if she lives near you, your life might be a bit more difficult from that point on. Have you seen Goodfellas? "I'm gonna tell everyone that walks in this building that in 2R, Rossi, you're NOTHIN' BUT A WHORE!" You better have good self control also, because she will say anything and everything that pops into her pretty little mind when she's trying to cuss you out. (like Mashonda) Be prepared to act like the "better person" and brush her comments off...ignore her completely if you can. (like Alicia) Do NOT let her take you out of character or make you upset! You don't want to end up in jail for fighting a bitch over a no-good ass man who don't mean either of you no good! (Swizzy?) And I can think of nothing worse than two women in love fighting over a man (who ain't shit!) while he basks in the glow of having his ego stroked! Ugh!

 Have You Ever Been A 'Jane Doe'?

Part 4 - The Jig Is Up aka KARMA!

Sooner or later, no matter how careful you are, the wife will find out. Even if she knows he has cheated on her previously with other women, IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE NOW THE ENEMY SWEETIE! After all, it's easier that way...YOU aren't the one she's in love with. She might come to your door or maybe even call you on the phone and say every nasty thing imaginable to you.

In my case, the girlfriend's favorite thing to call me was "ho". She wouldn't come to my dorm by herself (She KNEW better! Hmph!), she made him come get her and stand there while she flaunted the fact that they were together to try and infuriate me. She would say things to and about me indirectly as well. It took all of the strength I could muster not to knock that silly bitch to kingdom come! That bitch ain't even know me like she THOUGHT she knew me! I was gonna go Mary Jones on her ass! Hmph!

Don't expect him to stand up for you or defend you either. He's too much of a punk bitch to do that. He's too busy trying to figure out how to kiss her ass so she forgives him and doesn't leave him. He may even add a few nasty things to what she is saying just to make her think that you are to blame more than he is. Take Jody from Baby Boy for instance. When Yvette tried to confirm her suspicions of his infidelity with one of her co-workers he said, "I ain't thinking about that nasty girl..." When CLEARLY the night before he went to her house and received oral sex. SHAMEFUL!

In my case, he would just stand there like a little puppy with his tail between his legs. The powerful, aggressive man he is in bed disappears when he's standing next to her. He acts like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the motherfuckin' cookie jar. He would follow her cue and say to me whatever she told him to say. He would state that it was over, as if HE was ending it, when HE was the one who was perpetuating the shit! Ugh! He would promise his gullible 'girlfriend' that it wouldn't happen again, only to send an apologetic text that night, come crawling back as soon as she cooled down, forgave him, and the coast was clear. Like clockwork!

I found that the best way to deal with the situation is to just let her vent and get it out of her system. Don't argue with her, don't let her get to you, don't give her more ammo to use against you. The easiest way to piss her off is to do nothing. If you don't react to what she's saying and she's not getting the satisfaction of hurting you, (which is exactly what she wants) she actually ends up looking (and feeling) rather dumb. Serves her right!

Part 5 - The "Don'ts" Of The Affair aka LESSON LEARNED!

Here are some of the "don'ts" that make the affair harder to keep hidden, or harder to live with. These are all examples of things that really happened during the time I was with him. Some were unintentional, some just plain funny, and some just totally stupid.

YOUR "don'ts":

1. Don't let him get control of the relationship, or make all the rules that he expects you to follow. You'll just end up feeling used.

2. Don't let him know that you developed feelings for him. He'll use your feelings to get you to give in to him everytime you try to end it. "How you gonna leave me? I thought you said you cared about me boo?" (This may or may not be accompanied with a puppy dog face. Don't fall for the shit!)

3. Don't believe everything he tells you. He will say whatever he knows you want to hear just to get your brain to shut down and for you to start listening with your heart so you give in once again. He may even stoop as low as telling you his best friend just had an accident and is in the hospital and he needs comforting, when he only wants to lower your defenses so you'll give him sex. I saw his best friend 2 days later looking perfectly healthy. BASTARD!

4. Don't believe anything he tells you about the bitch! *clears throat* Excuse me...I mean his wife. He'll make it seem as if she doesn't understand him, how she's cold in bed or doesn't want sex, how she doesn't listen to him or care about his needs. He wants you to feel sorry for him so he once again can get his way with you. He'll even tell you how he enjoys talking to you because you listen to him and don't judge him, that you understand him. He just likes the attention.

5. Don't spend money on gifts for him or make them from your heart because all he'll do is say he can't take them or he'll give them away, or throw them away so his wife doesn't find them. Or he'll stupidly keep a CD of naked pictures of you that you made for him and his wife will find it. DUMBASS!

HIS "don'ts":

1. Don't try to avoid the neighbors from finding out about the affair or seeing you come to my place by doing alot of stunts and extra James Bond, Casino Royale-type shit...like trying to climb through my window! That's alot more obvious than just walking through my door!

2. Don't program my phone number into your cell phone, memorize it! I don't want that bitch callin' me and your wife can't dial it if it's not there. Have we not learned from Tiger? And don't EVER let that bitch come to my motherfuckin' buzzer! *in Mo'Nique voice* LMAO!

3. Don't come by if you gotta rush the time we have together to meet up with her. Nothing will make me feel like an easy piece of pussy faster than a 20 minute from the time you get here till the time you walk out the door quickie.

4. Don't tell lies you're not going to remember telling me! I'm not your wife and I'll remember everything you say to me and I'll catch you in the lie real quick. TRUST!

5. Don't ask me to come to your place for sex when your wife is off work, has a key and you don't know how soon she'll be back. Giving you head with my shirt unzipped in your basement laundry room might be exciting, but hearing your wife walk in the door upstairs and racing for the back basement door while zipping my shirt is not something I want to do...more than once! Hmph!

6. Don't use the woman's friends or kids to get to her. Dropping off gifts and being nice to her friends and/or kids is a low way to endear her to you. She'll appreciate the gesture but knows what you're trying to do.

Looking back on most of this I can laugh now. I was so young and naive then. Some of the things hurt me to the core. The promises and the lies hurt the deepest. If I tell you I don't want promises or for you to lie to me, I mean it. When you do make promises and don't follow through it hurts more than if you never said it in the first place.

Part 6 - The Big Payback aka WAIT TIL YOU SEE MY SMILE!

Even if the guy is the one who starts the affair and keeps it going, you know the wife has more than enough reason to hate you and say nasty things to you. Sometimes though you just have to do little things to even the score once in awhile. I mean, it's only fair, right?

In my case, it was satisfying to relieve some of the pent up anger at the 'girlfriend' by having hot sex with him in their bed, hopefully leaving a wet mattress in my wake. Having sex in as many rooms of their house as he's willing to as if to claim the house as yours, or adding showers with him either before or after sex and using her towels to dry off with.

When you're slightly fed up with him there are ways to get even with HIM also!

In my case, I would leave notes on his car during the night for him to find when he left for work, sometimes she would see them first and he had to deal with explaining or trying to hide them. My all time favorite thing to do was when he would leave the room we just had sex in after straightening up the area so she wouldn't notice and I would pull several hairs of my extensions and drape them over the bed pillow or wherever for her to find. This works best if your hair color and hers are different or the hair length is different. Or discreetly spraying his pillows with your perfume...that's another one that made her a little upset. What's worse than coming home or to your man's place and smelling/sensing that another woman has been there? Hey, whatever works!

Just don't be too obvious about what you are doing or he'll end up pissed at you. A little retaliation can go a long way in this type of relationship to keep you feeling validated. Yay!

Final Thoughts aka A WOMAN'S WORTH!

Well, I think I covered most the major issues that can go along with having an affair with a married man or "pullin' an Alicia" on a man who is otherwise spoken for. LOL! I chose not to include kids (in cases where he may have any) because that opens up an entirely different can of worms. When his children are involved not only could you potentially be responsible for taking hubby away from wifey...but daddy away from the kiddies and signing both him AND you up for Baby Mama Drama 101! Who in the fuck wants that? That's a class that your ass can't just up and withdraw from! LOL! Because if he actually DOES leave her you'll probably spend the duration of your relationship hearing about how she won't let him see his kids now and how miserable they are without their father around...and knowing you had a hand in that. Ugh...D For Drama!

Falling in love with someone special can be a wonderful thing. Falling in love with a married man or a man who is otherwise involved can also be wonderful (albeit unconventional) but there are many drawbacks to it as well. You have to have a clear and realistic understanding of some things. You're not always gonna be number one. You won't get all of his time. Sometimes, you won't even be a big priority of his outside of the bedroom. You may spend alot of the time feeling lonely or like he doesn't care about you, and in most cases, he doesn't.

But then there are the occasional "fairy tales" where the "Alicia" actually wins, gets the man and everything works out. But you must understand that her case is extremely rare and as of my writing this his divorce is not yet final. And even though they have been spotted at an album release party and a red carpet on each other's arm, he could still return back to his wife and young son at ANY time...leaving Ms. Keys with nothing but 2 hit albums and a bunch of memories, broken promises and lies to show for it. How many times have we seen the Lifetime movies where the man at the last minute tells the mistress, "I can't leave her now...she's going through a rough time and I have to be there for her..." or "My family needs me more than ever right now. My children need their father." Hey, it happens!

If you feel you can deal with all the ups and downs in this kind of relationship and 'that's how strong your love is,' 'go ahead.' Just remember the outcome will include someone getting hurt. Whether it be the wife or you, someone will have 'heartburn'. And NOBODY likes 'sleeping with a broken heart'...or an empty bed! So go into it with your eyes wide open, no expectations from the guy and if possible a lock on your heart.

In my case, I have no regrets for the affair, no regrets for falling in love with him, and no regrets for finally doing what was best for me - giving him up. Sometimes 'when you really love someone' it's your only choice. I will love him for the rest of my life, even though it means being miserable without him. He'll always have a part of me because I learned so much about myself through what we had together. I learned what I want and don't want out of a relationship and a mate. I learned how to know the difference between a casual and meaningful relationship and how to deal with each accordingly. I learned how to pick myself up in the aftermath of heartache and I'm better for it because now I know what love is...and what it's NOT. I HAD to let him go so he could live his life the way he feel he needs to. At least until he finds that his girlfriend is no longer giving him everything he requires out of a relationship...or a woman. My prayers are with him.

This was written to give a bit of insight into this kind of relationship, not to influence anyone into doing or not doing it. It's simply a guide, a 'wake up' call and a cautionary tale of sorts, from my point of view, after being there and doing that. Because we outnumber men radically, most of us will most likely end up sharing a man (especially in college! LOL!)...most of the time without our knowledge. But if you ever find yourself in a situation where you are AWARE "your" man is spreading the love around, take it from me, cut your losses and cut HIM...loose too! LOL! Any man who can't give all the love he has in his heart (or in his pants!) to ONE woman faithfully, he doesn't deserve the love you possess in your heart OR IN YOUR PANTS! You're worth more than that 'wreckless love' and any man you're with should echo that very sentiment.