The Naked Truth About Foreplay - A Vixen Commentary...

In my personal experience, I have noticed that some men do not find the importance in foreplay in a sexual relationship. Either that, or what they believe to be true about foreplay is simply put, bullshit. And after participating in various discussions, groups and forums, I have realized that not only are some men confused or wrong about foreplay...but some women are as well! So in order to get your minds right on the topic at hand and dispel the myths therein, I decided to do a little commentary of my own...Learn, grow and COMMENT!

Myth: ALL men, and any truly sexual woman loves intercourse more than anything, is always ready to go, and wants to get right down to it as soon, and often, as possible. This belief simply isn’t true but is perpetuated in movies, late night television and literature as well. If you read any issue of Penthouse Letters, the latest Zane work or even MY own tales you’ll see it, often in the form of “...she was dripping wet instantly...” and other such lies. How often do we see couples REALLY cater to each other before goin' at it on them late night Showtime/Cinemax movies? EXACTLY! The truth is that it takes time for a woman’s body to become fully aroused and there’s no shortcut around simple biology. Stroke fiction tends to de-emphasize the arousal phase of sex both to appeal to a primarily male audience (the same reason you see so much attention to physical descriptions, right down to a list of measurements, for the females in our stories) and to meet the conventions of the genre. Tales which are likely to be read as fantasies for private masturbation tend to cut right to the chase because they’re all about the orgasm--not the characters’, the reader’s. Their primary purpose, when you think about it, is to help you cum faster when you’re alone, not better and more often when you’re with a partner.

The stereotype of the submissive dick-hungry bisexual nympho living in those stories is a tissue-thin (if you’ll pardon the double entendre) fantasy, meant to arouse your mind as a shortcut to orgasm. Mind you, I’m not criticizing these stories; I write them! But when it’s done well, female readers get to fantasize about a world of sexual promiscuity and adventure without social consequences and men get to immerse themselves in a world where every woman, no matter how off-limits in the real world, is an eagerly available sex partner. That’s my goal, to take the reader (no matter the sex) on a fantasy ride, a journey of sexual debauchery and exploration. But what’s hot on the page, the detailed depiction of fantasy sex that really get your mental gears turning and your blood flowing isn’t necessarily what would make the best sexual encounter in real life. After all, if real sex were like the stories, men would also be expected to get it up five times in an hour. (WOULDN’T THAT BE DIVINE?!? LOL!) Since that’s also a biological impossibility [ :( ], perhaps we should try to keep the difference between fantasy and reality in mind when thinking about our partners.

Reality: for most women, including those who love sex, foreplay is often, if not usually, the most important part of sex; and most men don't get nearly the pleasure they're capable of experiencing, either. The perpetually turned-on and ready-to-go woman doesn’t exist anywhere in the world, and any woman who claims to be one is either psycho-biologically abnormal (clinical nymphomania, maybe?) or lying in order to be seen as more sexually attractive. Sure, it’s an old truism that women care about foreplay more than men do; we’ve all heard it before, and probably muttered under our breath after experiencing the “Wham-Bam-Thank You, Ma’am” style of sexual encounter. That doesn’t mean that men are bad in bed, don’t care about pleasuring women, or even that men are easier to please sexually than women. In fact, most men aren’t getting one tenth of the pleasure from sex that they could, but very few know it.

Because we treat the penis-centered experience of male ejaculation as the ultimate in physical pleasure and the only indicator of successfully completed sexual union, not only is female orgasm relegated to a position of minimized importance, but men aren’t encouraged to explore their bodily responses and experience the expanded possibilities for pleasure opened up by extended arousal. So basically ladies, we've come to accept that when HE cums...IT'S OVER! Well, I say FUCK THAT! If he gives a shit about you he should WANT to do any and everything in his power to make you have THEE MOST fulfilling sexual experience possible. Which means YOU SHOULD cum too! Yeah...thats right! I SAID IT! And if you are with a partner who is "ALL ABOUT GETTIN' HIS," then you should do some extensive thinking about if he is worthy of your body at all!

Very rarely do we discuss why women want and need more foreplay, much less why men might want it too--and almost never do we give men good incentive for, or good advice about, spending more of their time and erotic energies on foreplay. Nor do we, as a culture, teach men how to spend more time on arousal without getting physically overstimulated and thus risking the ego-shattering experience of turning into the one-minute man when intercourse actually happens. Simply put, more frequent foreplay trysts can aid your man in staying hard LONGER without cumming prematurely while fucking. (Don’t you just HATE that?!? Ugh.)

Foreplay & gender: a few additional thoughts to consider: Men--when your partner is fully aroused, she’s more likely to be open to new things, more eager to bring you pleasure, and to leave with a positive impression of the sexual encounter--regardless of what happens during actual intercourse. She’ll most likely remember the romantic shit afterwards----all the kisses, licks and caresses…more than how many strokes actually hit the SPOT! Also, a highly stimulated and aroused woman feels better during sex--beyond the obvious question of vaginal lubrication, extended arousal phase causes all the tissues of the vaginal wall to swell, making her both softer in texture and tighter around you. YESSSSSSSSSSS! “Ladies, if you ain’t tight, your shit just ain’t RIGHT!” OKAAAY!?! Now boys, what’s not to like about that?

And, while oral sex is great fun for all concerned, it’s not only not the end-all and be-all of foreplay, the “I do you, now you do me, then we fuck!” approach can lead to some seriously unfulfilling lovemaking. Foreplay should be fun and stimulating for both parties, without resulting in premature ejaculation and a disappointingly short romp in the sack, a sore jaw, or a mounting sense of futility--you know, that “what’s the point of this?” feeling.

Women--if you don’t really know, or can’t bring yourself to tell your partner, what gets you really hot for him, it’s not fair to put all the blame on him if the sex isn’t great. Learning to be a good lover takes time, patience, and practice--and even if your partner is interested in improving his skills, there are limits to what can be generalized. Every woman’s body and mind is unique unto her, and if you expect your partner to learn what you like by trial-and-error then know that it’s likely to take a long time, or cause him to give up out of sheer frustration. And if you want to steer his efforts, do it gently and positively, okay? Nobody likes to be criticized, particularly while they’re naked. Be sensitive to his feelings in this because whether he admits it or not, a fair amount of his self-esteem is wrapped up in his dick and his performance as a lover.

Also, foreplay isn’t a one-way street. While there are some obvious visual triggers and “hot spots” that can get a man ready for sex quickly, paying attention to a man’s whole body will still feel very good for him, and will slow down the arousal process a bit and help prevent that “hair-trigger” phenomenon that everybody hates. And if you would like to get extended and more diverse attention paid to your body, giving it to him first is a good non-verbal way of trying to express your desires and teach him to fulfill them. Plus, contrary to popular belief and conventional wisdom, slowing down the male arousal phase actually leads to longer and more intense ejaculations and even the all-too-rare phenomenon of the multiple-orgasmic man. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! DATS WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKIN’ BOUT! And that's the TRUTH baby!